Yesterday, I just knew I was going to win the lottery, and I did. A whole $12. It's become a bad habit because I can rationalize it by saying that Oklahoma is one of the poorest states in the country and severely underfunds its public education. Since the lottery helps to fund education, I'm just doing my part, right?
I deleted all of my blogs about OSU. I'm done with that part of my life. But now comes the hard part. What to do next year...
I never realized just how much vacuuming can take it out of you, vacuuming and dusting and dishes and cooking and grocery shopping... I've never kept up with it the way my grandmother always did. Her house was immaculate when I was a kid. I don't have a single memory involving either dirt or disorder. Her philosophy was that everything should be clean and put away before you go to bed so you can start new each morning. Now that she can't keep up with it herself, I drive down on the weekends and try to do it for her. Reading The Art of Literary Research (which is as boring as it sounds) is nearly impossible after a full day of cooking, dishes, vacuuming, and laundry. Why the hell would anyone ever think taking care of a home isn't a full-time job? Let alone a home with children... my god. I couldn't even get it all done in two days. I have to divvy up the chores over several weekends so that her house gets a thorough cleaning over the course of a month. Even if I didn't have homework and grading to do, I'd be hard-pressed to commit myself fully to the care of a home the way my grandparents did. They amaze me.
I wanted to get a job in Lawton or Oklahoma City so I'd have more time to spend with her and to help her with those kinds of things, but my aunt wants to move her to California within the next year, and my dad doesn't want me to stop pursuing a PhD. Now that I know OSU just isn't a good fit for me, and that I'm not a failure after all, I don't want to stop trying either. The kind people at Univ. of South Dakota (shout out for Lee Ann Roripaugh whose Year of the Snake consumed me for a good year) offered to reopen my previous application since they'd already accepted me once and will consider me with the applicants for this coming fall. They told Phil he could even submit an application late and see what happens. Now, life is a series of if, then statements since decisions will have to be made but can't actually be made. Uncertainty and contingencies accumulate in the air, make it heavy, fog the mirrors and windows.
If we both get in to USD, then how do we afford another cross-country move on such short notice?
If I get in, but Phil's app is held for the following year, then do we make the move together or does he stay here where he knows he has work?
If he stays here, then do I go without him, or do I stay too?
If I leave Nana and she refuses to go to California, then will she have to go to a nursing home?
If I spend every weekend with her, then will I be able to finish my coursework with decent grades?
If I don't spend every weekend with her, then will she succumb to her depression, continue to not eat, to forget her medication?
If I leave her, then am I being too selfish, more selfish than I can live with?
Nothing comes from nothing, come on.
7 months ago